Crying is OK

Your kiddo comes to you, tears in their eyes, crying so hard they can’t speak. You immediately get down on their level to hug and comfort them. You hate to see a child upset; it simply breaks your heart. You squeeze them tight and say “Don’t cry, it will be ok” with warmth and love. You hold them until they stop crying. Or maybe you even ask them what happened, to try and understand where the tears are coming from. Offering your insight into the situation. All with love and good intentions.

But have you ever tried to tell a friend about how something has gone awry in your day and they tell you “It’ll be ok.”? You feel as if they didn’t hear your story or understand your pain. What you really wanted was to be validated, to be told that the thoughts and feelings you had made sense to another human. That is what your kid is looking for, too. To have a secure attachment with you that makes them feel seen and soothed.

So why do we tell our kids “Don’t cry”? It comes down to 2 main reasons:

BIG FEELINGS MAKE US UNCOMFORTABLE

We start to panic when our kids have big feelings. We reach into our stress responses to help diffuse the situation and, from a place of love, we tell them to try and tuck those feelings away. Don’t be sad. Don’t be angry. Don’t be scared. Maybe some of us even resort to humor and diversion. Not realizing we are actually trying to make the situation easier on us. All feelings, big and small, are healthy. How we express them is where the unhealthy habits come in. As parents and caregivers, it is one of the most important jobs that we have: teaching our kids to express their emotions in a healthy way.

THAT’S WHAT WE WERE TOLD GROWING UP

It is hard to know how to handle emotions when you were never taught how to do so yourself. That is why they make us so uncomfortable. We tell our kids what we were told as kids, but we know more now about thoughts, emotions, and reactions than our parents did. If we equip ourselves with this new knowledge we will be able to help our kids develop a natural capacity for emotional intelligence.

So, what are effective ways to respond that will help your child feel seen and soothed when they are having big feelings? First, take a big, deep breath and center yourself so you don’t become triggered by your child. Then acknowledge what you see and name the emotion with empathy: “I see you are crying. Is it because you feel sad?” You can ask them to tell you where they feel their emotion in their body. Is it in their hands? Their chest? Their face? Tell them it is ok to feel sad and you will be there with them until that feeling goes away. Let them cry. Hold them and comfort them. Now is not the time for them to explain what has happened or for you to try and offer advice on the situation at hand. Once they have calmed down, then you can come back to discuss what happened.

Teaching them that their feelings are ok, and encouraging them to express them in a healthy way will lead them to trust themselves and have confidence in their ability to understand their own thoughts and feelings as adults. Being able to recognize where their emotions are felt in their body will help them get to know themselves, and their reactions, better. All feelings are valid (even if they make us uncomfortable), and with practice you learn to react to them in a healthy, productive way. All of this takes time and patience, and maybe a little coaching.